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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

These Four Walls

I love winter.  The snow, the pretty, serene scenes.  There is snowmobiling, snow shoeing, and a general softness to the landscape.  That's not what it looks like this winter, though.  Since the new year we have experienced nothing, but rain.  Cold, nasty rain.  Its worn down the fresh snow that fell for Christmas and reduced it to a wet pile of brownish mush.  The landscape looks like late March, except the air doesn't have the sweetness of spring approaching.  Its still the middle of winter... just crappy, cloudy, and awful.

This weather has forced me to be inside.  The gray days have made me feel extra sluggish and the affects seem to be accumulating.  After recovering from the flu I have not yet found my "get up and go" this year.  I still feel knocked down and the four walls of my home seem to be closing in.  

Go outside! You say.  Go to a community event!  You suggest.  Why not go to a museum or library or anything? You ask.  

The answer....  honestly.... I just don't feel like it.  

This season has sucked all my will and energy away. I don't want to spend money going to museums or other indoor activities.   I don't want to face the stress of socializing or getting myself and Emily presentable to go somewhere more significant than obtaining basic groceries.  (any doubts I am a true introvert?)  There is nothing to take photos of or anywhere to walk, play, or snowmobile with this nasty landscape.  

So, I have spent almost all of my off time in the last two weeks inside my home.  I've watched my share of movies, played with Emily, and generally laid around doing nothing.  Now I find that even my motivation to clean and do chores is fleeting.  My general emotional compass is starting to point towards a complete void.

Maybe its seasonal affective disorder?  ....the nurse in me can't help, but diagnose myself. 

And even stranger there are A LOT of exciting things going on in my life right now... and I can't even disclose some of them with anyone (yet).   But, despite all the excitement, I don't feel the giddy-ness that I should.  I just feel tired. 

We all get in these funks.  I know life's emotions occillate from highs to lows and back again and I just need to pull myself out of this cycle, be excited, and find some sort of enjoyment to this blah of a season before the walls of my home swallow me whole.

I am sure we all feel like this once and a while, right?  Especially this time of year.  The important thing is that we should be able to talk about it, because when you feel isolated (even when you aren't) its even more isolating to be silent. 


"Cottage By The Sea" said...

Ah Jen, it sounds like you could use a friend right now. It also sounds like you're pregnant. Tired. After 5 kids, this rings true in my memory. I feel guilty telling you that it is 75 degrees and sunny here since last June. Even more beautiful than usual. No matter how beautiful or how yucky it is outside though, it's the inside that counts. That's your reality. Maybe if you force yourself to do something you love, it'll come back to you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Spring is just around the corner! Feel better and I'll pray that you find your joy again.

Kristin said...

This was me the last couple of weeks. I had no help with the kids. Husband was still in Afghanistan. And all the school activities were cancelled because of the snow and ice. I could have climbed the walls. And yet it was like all the motivation had been stolen away by the weather, so I didn't do nearly as much as I could have with my time. But oh well. I think we all hit this funk after the holiday season, when the weather is crap and there isn't much to look forward to. I hope by now you're feeling better!

Brittany Rice said...

I am new blogger Thanks for sharing I am new to Vermont moved here sept 2012 and find winter to be hard since I was born and raised in Florida

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