To date, during this pregnancy, I have no worn maternity clothes. Like a champion I still fit into my pre-pregnancy pants. Barely. However, I have actually worn maternity clothes before. Since this is my first pregnancy that might not make sense. To understand I will tell you a tale that goes back to the eighth grade.
Yes, the eighth grade.
When I was in middle school I was in the throes of a pre-teen identity crisis. I was never pretty enough, cool, enough, or stylish enough compared to the other girls. Frizzy blond hair, a stick thin physique, and playing the trumpet in the school band weren't exactly popular traits. Every morning getting ready for school was sheer torture. My closet was torn to shambles and outfits strewn across the floor as I searched in vain for something that would flatter my non existent figure. None of my clothes were acceptable. I melted into a puddle of teen angst on the floor.
Before utterly giving up on finding anything acceptable to wear and sinking into the safety of my giant comforter as if the rest of the world didn't exist I decided to venture into the depths of my mothers closet. She kept a box of old clothes way in the back corner of the closet. Clothes from a decade earlier that hadn't been worn since my sisters and I graced the world.
There has to be something cool and vintage in there! ...I reasoned.
Vintage was very in.
My mother was innocently downstairs ensuring that the brood of us daughters were going to have a nice breakfast while I tip-toed into her bedroom and dug knee deep into her box of tucked away clothes. Almost right on top I found the perfect item.
It was a flowing white, polka-dotted blouse. I scampered into my room, happy with my find and immediately put the top on with my favorite pair of jeans. The blouse was tight across my chest and then flowed out towards my waist. As I looked myself over in my mirror I imagined everyone at school being in envy of my oh-so-trendy shirt. Girls would flock around me clamoring to know where had I bought such a beautiful blouse? It was going to be a good day.
I snuck out of the house without my mother noticing my blouse thanks to a drab sweatshirt I wore on top. As soon as I reached my seat on the school bus I tore off the sweatshirt and happily revealed my polka-dotted, flowy blouse. My confidence beamed.
All day long I walked the halls, going from class to class, sauntering in my flowy blouse. No one said a word to me. I wondered how my classmates could be so blind to such an great and original fashion choice?! Then when I walked into my final class of the day, English, taught by a lovely young woman all the boys swooned over my happiness was shatter in a mere moment.
My teacher noticed my blouse as soon as I walked into the class room. Her hand went to her mouth in surprise. This is it! I thought. The coolest teacher in our grade was amazed by my stylish shirt! What was even more amazing was that she got up out of her chair and was coming towards me. Probably to tell me how much she like my blouse and to compliment my forward sense of style, no doubt.
The teacher grabbed me by the arm and led me toward a corner of the room. Suddenly her body language seemed more concerned than impressed. My classmates filling the room noticed the scene and stopped to watch. In a hushed voice the teacher bent down close to me...
"Jen, do you know you are wearing a maternity shirt?"
Uh what? My mind was not able to process her sentence.
"That's a maternity shirt. Did you know that?"
Suddenly I wanted to vomit and melt away. My thoughts reeled; Maternity shirt? No! It's vintage! I swear! But not a sound came out of my mouth.
"I just wanted to let you know, honey." And with that she walked back to her seat and began class.
I reached into my backpack and pulled on my ugly sweatshirt trying not to cry. That was mortification to a whole new level I had never experienced. The entire rest of the class I slumped in my chair trying to appear invisible. Cool was just not in the cards for me in eighth grade.
Tto this day I have not worn maternity clothes since, but that is going to change soon.