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Saturday, December 11, 2010

What Would You Do? Friendship Poll

Every once and a while  we each are caught in a situation where the decision seems simple enough yet it bothers you to no end.  That's what happened to me the other day....

Out of the blue a friend I hadn't talked to since she changed jobs and I never run into anymore sent me a message on facebook.  It was something along the lines of this:

My boyfriend said that I could finally post photos of him and I together on facebook as long as there are no photos of my ex and I together.  I really want to post photos of him so could you please delete the photo of (Her Ex) and I walking into the wedding reception together that is in your facebook album?  It has to be done, sorry.  You'll have that photo forever for yourself so it should be okay if its not on facebook. 

I sat at my computer for a moment mulling over what she had just asked.  She was referring to the photo of her and one of my good friends walking into our wedding reception together.  I still talk regularly to her ex and work with him occasionally.  This is the photo...


Part of me thought it wasn't a big deal and the other part of me was irritated by the whole situation.  A volley of thoughts cascaded through my mind as I mulled over the issue.
  • Why should I care?
  • Its not my fault her boyfriend has such weird and controlling demands
  • Tons of people are paired with people they don't know, used to date, or don't like at weddings. 
  • But it does mean a lot to her.
  • It is just facebook.... would anyone even notice if the photo is gone? Probably not.
  • Did she even really give me a choice or make a demand, though?
  • I should be allowed to post photos from my wedding reception if I want.
  • What would I want if I was in her shoes?

I seriously considered both sides of the issue for a little while, but in the end I decided to just delete the darned photo.  It just seemed easier and less confrontational.  I'm not willing to lose a friend over something so dumb, even if it is irritating. 

But I was wondering...  if this situation happened to you what would you do?



Don't you just love how the dumbest things in life turn out to be issues?

18 comments:

SharleneT said...

It's a hard call. But, FB is something that shouldn't be given a priority in our lives and, quite frankly, without permission, sharing others' pictures is an invasion of their privacy, in my book. I've really thought about this situation and, to me, it belongs in the old, "just because you can, doesn't mean you should."

Most people today, it seems to me, can't wait for the world to see them in any and every pose, but that's usually their own choice (which often back-fires) of self-declaration. I don't want every photo ever taken of me available for the world to see -- because I have a right to my PRIVATE life and may not want the world to know every place I've been. That said, yes, they are your wedding photos BUT you weren't married on TV, you're not a public figure, and the world wasn't invited to your wedding and those that were assumed it was because they were attending your private function. Has every event now become so open that people are going to have to sign releases for protection?

I think you did the right thing, because she's your friend. FB doesn't allow for privacy among family only, anymore, and this has become a very sticky-wicket situation. I agree that other people don't have the right to tell you what to do with your own pictures, but this has never been a problem before FB reared it's ugly invasive head.

I happen to agree with her that it's still in your private collection and really is no big deal for you to remove. Besides, she has a bigger problem with the new guy...

MarieElizabeth said...

I think the fact that this guy would ask her to do it should be ringing HUGE warning bells off all over the place. If it was easier on you to delete it, you did the right thing for you.

Lioness said...

If she really was a good friend, I agree with MarieElizabeth that there are far more serious problems than that picture. That guy is bad news, and I would be worried about my friend.

If it was one of my best friends asking me, I would do it and then we would have a good long talk about this guy. I agree with you that it's really not that big a deal. However, since as best I can tell you are not terribly close to this girl anymore, my response would be different. I would reply that I will not be taking the picture down because you are friends with the other person in the picture and them being in your wedding has nothing to do with them being in a relationship. I would remove any "tags" of her in the picture so that it does not show up on her albums. If I had not already, I would restrict view of the album to only "friends" and be done with it.

AmyBean said...

I would have asked her whether her new boyfriend was planning to track down every single photo of her ever taken to check and make sure the ex wasn't in them. And honestly, it raises red flags that he said SHE can't post pictures of HIM with her until EVERYONE ELSE deletes pictures of her with the ex. That doesn't make sense. Deleting the pictures doesn't erase the past, and it's not as though she has the pictures on her own profile. This scares me a little for your friend. It's a small thing, but small things snowball into bigger things with people like this. I would be tempted to talk to her about controlling behavior and emotional abuse. And it may seem like an overreaction, but this is how it starts. A reasonable man would not expect her to ask OTHER PEOPLE to delete photos off of their profiles. This sounds like bad news to me.

brandilicious said...

The fact that he even told her that she could "finally post pictures" of them, ONLY if there were none of her and her ex out there? Is a little weird.

These are your wedding photos, you decided what gets posted. If anything, you could remove the tag and politely let her know that you do not agree with removing the photo.

And then place your bets on how long this unhealthy relationship lasts.

Just kidding :)

julandmatt said...

aaaaaaaaa.
I think your friend needs a new boyfriend..
Ekkkk he sounds scary to me.....

Anonymous said...

I ditched Facebook some time ago. I am back to living like a normal person again, interacting directly with real friends on a face to face basis. I no longer have to deal with people insisting I play some stupid game, or complaining that if I don't comment I don't care, or having strangers of strangers of strangers looking at pictures of me. I ditched Facebook some time ago, and life has never been better.

Amanda said...

I'd be worried for this girl. A boyfriend that controlling and making demands like that should strike her as a huge warning sign. It's facebook and, in the grand scheme of things, kind of petty, but it makes me wonder what other demands he's making of her.

Ninety-Nine Lives said...

I had a sort of similar situation...

Superman requested that I untag or delete pictures of myself with my ex way back when we started dating. I kind of forgot about his suggestion.

Until he brought it up again about a year later.

I thought he was being a little controlling and we talked about it (well, I talked, he responded)... and we decided that pictures that were just of my ex and I, with no outside situations, would be taken down. So I kept the ones from graduation, the ones from prom, in groups, etc.

But in your situation, that picture should mean more to your friend than it just being a picture with her ex. The important part of that picture is that it was YOUR WEDDING. She got to share a special day with YOU. On YOUR DAY.

I don't think she should have asked you to take it down.

Kristin said...

Uh, no chance. If you had pictures of her and the ex cuddling in some other situation, I could see extending the courtesy for her comfort. But wedding pictures are not fair game for deletion. If you start with this one, how far does the crazy boyfriend go? "Oh, he's with you in this whole picture of the wedding party. Tell her it has to go." By deleting the picture, you aren't really responding to her request. You are taking orders from her boyfriend and giving him a little more power over her.

I've been married three times. At no point has anyone come to me and had this kind of cow. There are pictures of my ex's and I at events, and not only do I not care if they're plastered on facebook, but neither does my husband or my ex's new wives for that matter. Mature, secure people will generally acknowledge that their mate has a past.

I'm sorry. I have a low tolerance for ridiculousness, even when it comes to my friends.

mominsanity said...

On the first issue, I wouldn't take down the picture. It's your facebook page. But I would respond to her and let her know that I find it very, very odd that her current boyfriends is totally calling the shots on this because it seems way too controlling.

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Like the others, just that he is making those kind of demands set off red flags in my mind.

That said, I probably would have had a similar reaction and tried to get around it by untagging her so it didn't show up on her page. If you don't know her new boyfriend, he shouldn't be using her account to look at your photos... if she's not tagged that is... then it's her problem not yours!

Golden To Silver Val said...

I would re-post the picture exactly like you have it here. Maybe it will make them realize how RIDICULOUS this request was/is. (both him asking her and her TELLING you). And yes...she's gonna have trouble with this one...very immature.

Hydrant girl said...

Tough call - I've asked people to remove pictures of me and my ex but it wasn't of us at a wedding, and wasn't important to them (like in this case). FF wouldn ever ask me to take a picture of my ex and me off facebook - he's more secure then that. Now if my parents still had pictures of us at their house, that might be a different story.....

Sounds like the new guy is a tad insecure?

Fire Wife Katie said...

I'd crop her out and leave him in. :D

Solomon's Porch said...

Unfortunately, for your friend...if she is having to make all these concessions it is likely that her new relationship will last. Her boyfriend sounds immature and insecure. What's he going to ask of her next.....
Sorry you had to be a part of it.....

SwizzlestickMama said...

I agree with some of your other commenters-- your friends boyfriend sounds like bad news. There is no room for jealousy in a healthy relationship.

Anonymous said...

She is so lame...and so is her boyfriend. He is too controlling and she should be more concerned about that. It's immature for her to even bring you into that. The picture is in no way offensive or in no way indicates a relationship.

Signed,
your gangster friend

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